Diary of an Anime Lived: Now and Then, Here and There

Diary of an Anime Lived: Now and Then, Here and There

This post shall be part of Digitalboy's Diary of an Anime Lived series. Many others have put their truly human stories into these posts and I figured I'd share one of my own.

This post is pretty personal to me and holds spoilers for the anime Now and Then, Here and There. So if you haven't watched it I urge you to go and watch it before reading this. Not only to understand this post but to really experience a truly great anime as well. Sure it might be hard to watch for some but it's definitely worth the watch.

Basically this story takes me back to high school... the second time around. The first time I had to quit because I had medical issues that I just couldn't fight while trying to attend math class at 8am in the morning. Every morning. Sure not that early to some but when you have a sleeping issue where your body pretty much makes you a cat for 20 hours of the day, it's a little hard to get up for that class so early in the morning, let alone have teachers willing to care about helping you get caught up. (because you have no friends that will bring you the work being 100% new to the school and all as well).

Anyway I was put back a year because of this medical issue. Which means I was in my sisters grade from then on. (we are 14 months apart age wise). I had no friends in hardly any of the classes I was in and what little ones I did have that were my own age, they didn't really want to hang out with me because of this issue. *tear* Sure it sucked big time but whatever I was only there to learn, pass and get a piece of paper saying "I DID IT!" whoop-de-do!

Somehow through this time I found "love". It was the first time I felt so strongly about someone that I just went with the motion against all the warnings I got before hand about it. We meet for the first time (not really the first but the first he "noticed" me or that an actual girl called out to him), after school while I was walking home towards the bus. It was winter so it was cold. For some reason I missed my bus (not really), and took the time to wander with this boy around the mall. Eventually we got a little tired and sat down near the food court warming each others hands up by holding them tightly over the table talking. *barf*

Anyway that's how I met "him". I thought we were in love. Like any first love it's always the stupidest. (unless you are super lucky). I always think of that song "The first cut is the deepest" because well fuck. I'm still messed up from that fucked up situation and everything that happened. We were miserable from the start. His parents (mom mostly) hated me (because I wasn't Asian...wtf she married a white man...). And on top of that he had mental issues. Now I'm sure everyone is saying yeah yeah everyone at that age has mental issues. BUT not everyone is on prescribed drugs for said issues, freaks out when off of said drugs (who knows why!) and beats his gf FOR NO REASON... over and over again.

I being a fool wanted to stand by him and help him with his problems. His home life sucked, he hated school (even though he got perfect scores), and claimed to love me; what person wouldn't stick around to help out the one they thought they loved. Eventually that love faded after numerous abusive encounters. I was too afraid to actually just pick up and leave him because he would just hunt me down and call constantly. (which did happen when I finally grew balls).

But before I got away from this person the saddest worst thing (one of the worst things anyway) happened to me... not quite as drastic as Sara  (this is where it starts to relate to the anime) but just as painful... I was raped by him.

I never told this to anyone before so openly. Only certain people know. I'll never forget the first 2 people I told my story to later on down the road of life. They were random friends and just always wondered why I seemed like an empty shell even though I showed so much energy. Most people couldn't see through that act but these 2 did. My best friend at the time (still is) of course knew but never pushed me on the subject. Probably a good thing because he kept me from killing myself on several nights. The most memorable of nights was in winter on valentines day, I had drank excessively and fast after a terrible day. I called him before I left my house to go drowned myself in the river where we both lived near by.

Like Shu did for Sara, (slightly less harsh) my friend found me just before I jumped in and just told me how much he alone would miss me and doing something like that would just let "him" win in the end. Sara desperately wanted to die and she knew she was caring a child as well. (who knows if this is true but fuck). I too wanted to die. Not only because this had happened to me but because *I* let it happen to me after ALL the warnings. I was lucky and knew I wasn't pregnant after the incident because he made me walk to the clinic in the pouring rain, in lots of pain (it fucking HURTS for a girls FIRST time) to be sure of it. Made me get pills that made me be sick for 2 days afterwards just to be 100% sure. I dunno what was going through his head at the time but honestly I don't give a shit anymore. It was wrong.

I guess this story is about hope. Shu didn't want Sara to die over something so terrible that she was still alive from. Sure it blew ass that it happened but it wasn't worth getting all worked up over to that extent. Hard truth I suppose. I went through the same thing. In the end neither of us ended up finishing off our lives because of a friend. I dunno if Sara really saw Shu as a friend but I'm sure glad mine was there in one of my worst times of need.

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    10 Responses to “Diary of an Anime Lived: Now and Then, Here and There”
    1. Glo says:

      I sat here and typed a billion different responses to this, all of which were pretty much about moments in my life that sort of related, but I’d rather keep those depressing thoughts bottled up inside, like I’ve been doing since middle school (I’ve learned how to deal with stuff like depression on my own by now anyway).

      I do, however, want to say that, well, you’re pretty damn strong for getting through all of this. Honestly, the main thing I got from this post was strength. Everything evens out in the end though I’m sure.

      Oh, but I’m still probably not going to watch this anime. Cheers!

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    2. Baka-Raptor says:

      Should’ve thrown his ass in jail. Yeah, it’s easier said than done, and getting raped isn’t exactly something you want to publicize, but if it’s something you’re ready to kill yourself over, you might as well drag him down too.

      Anyway, thanks for talking about this. You’re doing a service to a lot of rape victims and potential rape victims by telling your story.

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    3. Getting hit by that type of violence is one hell of a memory and I laud your efforts at being able to keep it together and moving on past this episode. Do hope that things have turned out better for you and that the future still remains bright in spite of this.

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    4. chii says:

      @Glo you might like it heh

      @zzeroparticle things are way better now. i’m in a very loving relationship that is more than i could have ever dreamed possible 🙂

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    5. Canne says:

      I didn’t know how I missed this post but reading it was like getting struck by lightning. I didn’t see this coming at all. I just want to tell you that what happened to you was terrible and how you got through it was really admirable. I’m sure the bright tomorrow is waiting for you 🙂

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    6. Epi says:

      Wow it took a lot to put this very personal story out there on the internet even if we don’t know you personally. I’m glad that you were able to overcome this. Obviously some things will always linger in your mind forever, but it looks like you have pulled through the worst of it. Watching anime never hurts either! 🙂

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    7. Prede says:

      As I told you already. This is such a heartbraking, terrible thing to hear. I’m so sorry something this bad had to happen to you 🙁 . It’s nice to know hwoever that you seemed to have gotten over this tragic event, or at least you’ve gotten over it as much as anyone eevr truly can. This is a very powerfully written blog post here. Your a great writer. and “Now and Then Here and There” truly is a special series, one that can touch us all I think.

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    1. […] a few days ago, I read chii’s devastating post about here experiences with Now and Then, Here and There, specifically with the character Sara. And […]

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